Prepare the tinfoil hats

Posted by Dale Wilsey Jr. | Posted in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011

Harold Camping predicts the end is here.
Tomorrow is the end of the world. It has been prophesied by the great Harold Camping. This man has never been wrong about anything pertaining to religion in his long career at Family Radio. He has studied the Bible from cover to cover. Word for word. He's crunched the numbers and he's predicted that tomorrow is it. On May 21st at 6:00 p.m. in each time zone, the rapture will occur. Good, God-fearing Christians will be beamed into heaven like holy Batsignals.

Families have been divided. Some have budgeted their savings to have absolutely nothing left come tomorrow. Evangelists are preaching from their piles of cash to save the world and atheists are cashing in on post-rapture pet care. No need to empty the shelves at the local grocery stores. This isn't Y2K. This is the god damn (pun slightly intended) rapture. Tomorrow, the man with the wavy hair, carefully crafted beard and birkenstocks will be knocking on your door and telling you whether you've been naughty or nice. Hint: if you suddenly end up near the largest bonfire you've ever seen, chances are you weren't nice. Or, at the very least, you didn't put enough folding money in the basket when it was passed around during mass. Pearly gates aren't cheap.

After all the pious folk are shot up into their sky-condos, we immoral, corrupted, non-believing blasphemers will have to endure Hell on Earth until October 21st. I could have sworn we've already been experiencing a bit of it here, but this will be the time when God turns it up to 11. It's going to be a vacation created from the pages of Dante. At least people will have no use for spray-tans anymore. Their flesh will be a lovely shade of charcoal. And, on October 21st, God will play Freebird and pull the plug. Lights out. Earth done. Humanity gone.

Or, on Sunday, we'll all sit back and watch Mr. Camping backpedal for the second time. He'll say he must have missed something in the Bible. Families who've torn themselves apart over this ridiculous concept will, at the very least, share awkward moments or be completely torn apart forever. People who've quit their jobs will be scrambling to find another, in an economy where it's nearly impossible to find anything decent, since more level-headed individuals scooped their old positions up the moment they left. And those who've budgeted themselves to have nothing left will be filing for bankruptcy or applying for loans to keep themselves from living on the streets.

Either Camping is right and tomorrow is the end of days. Or, he's simply another religious lunatic who's ruined the lives of many as he sits comfortably upon his cash. Either way, I plan on lounging around on Sunday (towering infernos or not), sipping a beer and probably caring about the passing "apocalypse" as much as an atheist can. Maybe I'll try to buy a house on the post-rapture market.

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